• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

• I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

• Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

• Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

• Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

• Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

• With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well, too.

• Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Tags: Humor //