Last week on my way to office, a gentleman stopped me in a nearby lane. He said that he was a cheat and he wanted to confess.

Struggling to overcome my shock, I asked him the reason for his confession.

“I recently met a better cheat than me. It is only because of him that I am now standing in front of you,” he said.

Did he ask you to confess, I inquired.

“Yes. Being a thorough professional, he believes that a cheat must once in a while confess instances of his successes as a swindler. Like self-help writers who always ask readers to recall instances of success for motivation, cheats too should do the same.”

“But why me? I’m a poor journalist,” I pointed out.

“It’s best to confess to a journalist,” he replied.

“But I could expose you to the whole world as a cheat, and that could be a big threat to your career,” I warned him.

Displaying a contemptuous smile, he replied: “On the contrary. The day you publish my story I will right away deny it. Of course, being a victim, people will believe my version because every reader is aware of how newspapers sensationalise stories these days!”

Turn the tables

Disregarding the shock on my face, he added that he could turn the tables on me too.

“I will not only deny the story but also hire an expert lawyer and sue you and your newspaper. That can also fetch me some cash.”

“You are a dangerous man,” I told him.

“Never. I am very honest to myself when I cheat,” he remarked with a straight face. “Since I’d decided very early in life to take up cheating as a profession, I stopped school. But I do hold an MSc degree today,” he revealed. “You mean a Masters degree in Science?”

“Yes. A Masters in Super Cheating,” he answered.

“Is there anything else you do besides this?”

“I am a manager in a reputed concern. Nearly 30 people work under me, but I have no clue about my job. But I think I’m still very successful.”

“How can you be successful without knowing your job?” I asked.

“How can you be so naïve? It is best to secure the manager’s post if you don’t know your job since all your juniors will do the job for you,” he explained.

“But won’t your employer ever know that you’re clueless about what’s going on?”

“Never. How can he? When he is in office I am very, very busy. I rush from one table to the other like a cat running after a mouse.

“And if he ever calls me for a discussion, I can always convince him that my presence is urgently needed elsewhere. I sit at the edge of my seat and keep springing up and down as if something is pricking me from below.”

Curiously, I asked him: “Who else has been conned by you so far?”

“My father-in-law, of course. He asked for my salary-slip before giving his daughter to me. I promptly produced before him my two-month leave salary slip. So he believes I earn double my salary. Not convinced, the man then demanded to see my recent bank receipts.

“With loans being easily available, I managed one quickly and deposited it in my account. The mini-statement after that impressed him thoroughly and I won a big dowry in appreciation. And let me tell you, that dowry helped me repay my loan!”

I was exasperated.

But I was still inquisitive. So I asked: “Have you ever been cheated?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” he replied. “Every year my employer reminds me that my hard work is being appreciated by the management and that I am due for a huge salary raise.”

Tags: Offbeat //