Thels Talk

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Types of Man. ..

Before Finding a Girl – Spiderman….

After Finding his Girl – Superman….

After the Engagement – Gentleman….

After the Marriage – Watchman….

10 years After Marriage -Doberman.

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs* and sort of fan it at him.” He says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he’s doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. “Now!, tell HIM you have a headache.”

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she is told.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

MARRIAGE: It’s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway “SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”

Source

We all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:
*:) means a smile and
*:( is a frown.

Well, how about some ‘ BUTT ICONS?’ Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass!}

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

“The best engine in the world is the vagina !!It can be started with one finger, is self-lubricating, takes any size piston and changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so f****** temperamental !!”